AM I SERIOUS?

If honesty was my policy, I'd have no-one to talk to.

Even the speaking clock would hang up on me. (It did once, clunt!) This begs the question of what exactly I'm supposed to know if the time isn't for my subversive waxy ears? Truth is, I don't give a fuck. Anything that I want to know can be found on the Internet! I might just go on Twitter and send random people messages calling them tw*ts for getting me pregnant and arrange a meet up to see how many people bring knitting needles and anaesthetic with them "just in case". On second thoughts, I won't. Reason being that I have no womb and I also have no Twitter account either. I hate social stuff, to be honest.

The only people I get on with are freaks, goths, drug dealers and whores who I don't want to get involved with for very good reasons. For those who know me, hold back the fist and give to the relevant part of your anatomy tonight instead to celebrate peace. Don't believe the church, there's nothing wrong with a euphemistic fight with yourself as long - and here's the important part - as long as you're thinking about God! Which explains why a Christian society places billboards featuring naked women on almost every corner. God is in fact a lingerie model/porn star/fantasy shag. People, I think I have seen the light. Butler, bring me the latest Playboy!

But, those of you who know of me personally and/or read my blog on regular occasions will know that there is a word for what I'm doing now. And, no, it's not "illegal". The word is in fact "digressing". The point I have been trying to make in a rather vague and caffeine-induced manner is that my humour is apparently very sharp. It can and will stab you in a split second so much that you won't notice at all until you're rolling around on the ground like a euphoric maniac. Which means that I love you. If you laugh I love you. I want you in my life forever and I want your babies....to laugh at me too. Exert some parental influence get them on my side so I can stage a political coup when my humour dies. Rest assured that those unpersuaded by my humour will be defiled by ex-Presidents of the USA in Hell!

Am I joking? Well, try it and find out, then you'll know just how funny I am. Would you laugh at a big Kiss tongue emitting laughter with no visible means of doing so?

Mnsr Seba.